I don’t know what is next, and I love that

These videos have been life changing for me.

I am finding my Why to do something, something I love, something that gives something good and positive to the world, instead of focusing on the How or the Money. On just focusing on the HOW, I’ve been stuck,with blinders on, trying to figure out how to do it, instead doing things I love, and instead doing things that just made me money but didn’t feed my soul. I didn’t put myself first which if I do then can put positive things out into the world. Like attracts like.

I am still processing. I have been watching these talks, doing guided meditations with videos from Noah Levine and Tara Brach and I feel like I’m changing profoundly. I am noticing that I do things differently now, ever since I quit and spent the 2 months in the rv on the road. It changed me in small ways.  I need less stuff to live, letting go of things I cannot change, seeing things as they really are, things don’t rile me up, I catch myself being in my ego when I talk and do things. Being okay with the way things are and who I am.  I have a long ways to go still, but it is incredible and scary and good. I catch myself giving myself excuses to not do something. It is all in my head, I get in my own way, and I see it now. I am writing things down like crazy. Quitting that job and the corporate world was the best thing I did for myself. I will not go back. I am on a different path now, I am on my own path. I don’t know what is next, and I love that. I am excited for that. Have to stay in that and not get scared and let my ego give me excuses to be afraid and small and feel like I need to find a job, any job or the next Thing, or whatever. To stop trying to plan everything out ahead of time other than the few necessary logistics, like how to actually get to a place or something. Haven’t figured out teleportation yet. lol

The Buddha said “Pain is a given, suffering is optional.” also, I heard “if something/someone feels heavy, move away from it and let it go, if it feels light and positive, go with it, embrace it.” I am learning to get out of my head and into my body and heart and see how something feels inside and to listen to it, the body, the intuition, to get quiet so I can hear and feel it, and then do it.

I felt for some reason I had to share it. Thank you for listening.

I love you, you are awesome.

 

Me

Embracing change and not knowing anything

They say “The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry”. No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it. The saying is adapted from a line in “To a Mouse,” by Robert Burns.

We are not in control.

It was a blessing in disguise that I happened to feel the pull of the ocean.  The storm rolled in, driving wind and dumping literally buckets of rain on the RV and I discovered that the skylight in the shower leaked like a waterfall in this deluge.  Glad it happened while still in Oregon and not in Nebraska or Texas instead.  Needing to get it repaired under warranty and a few other things repaired that popped up while on this shakedown cruise, I called the repair shop at the dealership in Bend to set up a day to get it taken care of.  Unfortunately, they can’t get me in until June 27th, a whole month delay for my cross country trip plans.  With that turn of events, and the weather getting hotter and hotter in the southwest and south, I decided I will postpone the rest of my trip until fall when the weather starts to cool, all the kids are back in school and all the repairs are complete.

So we roll with the changes, stay open to the unknown.  As Kyle Cease says “fall in love with the unknown”.   I try and plan things, but stuff happens, and I have to adjust, go with the flow.  A whole new way of being, after being a single mom for so long who had to keep all the plates spinning for 3 humans and 2 dogs for a long, long time.  It is strange, unsettling and so freeing all at the same time.  But I think I like it.  I am learning to say Yes more often to fun and change when it comes my way, because I can. Whereas before I always felt the need to work more, plan things out, sacrifice for the good of all, put others first before myself oftentimes.  I feel the nervous energy dropping away that had me feeling like I had to always be busy, always be doing something.  It is replaced by a calm, a slowing down to smell the flowers, take long dog walks, and just observe the world around me.  I’m cool with the way it is.  How else can I be?

So while I wait for the repair date, I vow to meditate more, journal more, live in the moment, worry less, and be outside as much as I can, and play.  I can’t wait to see what happens next……

Whirlwind

It has been all about the wind the first few days of our journey…..First, just leaving Central Oregon was a challenge as the high wind gusts blew us out and over the mountain, me white knuckle driving and chain eating an entire bag of organic gummy worms while the gusts rocked the coach, causing new strange whistles and groans inside, as cars and semis blew by us.  Steve spent the entire time perched on the edge of his dog carseat, straining the tie, staring at me and shivering.  Did I mention he doesn’t like riding in cars?

After a few quiet days spending time with my 2 kids, eating good food, we headed East, winding up in the wind capital of Oregon, Hood River and Mosier.  Spending the night in the driveway of an old and dear friend, a lifelong windsurfer.  We explored the trails, Cascade Locks, stopping at places I had always just driven right by, in a rush to be someplace else.  Steve enjoyed the hikes and not being in the RV for sure, and, the sun was shining.  I’m pretty sure when I opened the door, he leaped out, yelled “LAND”, and kissed the ground.

Sometimes, my mind is like the wind, blowing every which way, changing it’s mind, going this way and that.  Where do I go, what do I do now, where do I fit in?  Sometimes, when other parts of your life drop away, freeing up time and space, it leaves you open for possibilities to come your way that you didn’t even know were options until you have freedom to choose and do anything you want.  Some changes are easy, some are hard and a challenge and we want to resist, others want to resist and want us to resist, but the changes happen and we roll with it, like the wind.  I have had a few big changes recently and I still need to process my way through, and so…..I decided to just drive……and the ocean called me…..

And here I sit, at the Oregon Coast, in the middle of a storm, with a front row seat, the wind and rain testing the RV and myself and Steve, who is still under the covers, hunkered down and we are riding it out.  A good day to write, accept the storm within and without.  It forces me to sit still, to stop being a whirlwind, feeling the need to always be doing, be busy, to shift gears and just be.

 

 

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Today is the day!

We spent the last 3 days getting ready to go, visiting friends and family, one more hike, wrapping things up, and it’s been a whirlwind.  But today is the day, and I am so excited!   I woke up at 5:30 am despite my body protesting the idea.  Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive with good wishes, heartfelt and much appreciated gifts for the road.  I will be posting more down the road with info about our preparations, things we purchased for the trip that we love and recommendations.

We love you and and will see you again soon!

It’s a beautiful day for a drive!

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Gopher it

via Daily Prompt: Tenacious

Here’s how most of my walk related conversations with Steve, the wiener dog, usually go:

Me:  Let’s go for a walk in the field next door

Steve:  Gopher?

Me:  Let’s go this way

Steve: Gopher

Me: C’mon let’s take this trail

Steve:  Gopher

Me:  Okay, just for a minute

Steve:   Gopher!

Me:  Okay, I’m tired of standing here watching you dig for 15 minutes, let’s go home

Steve:  GOPHER!!

Me:  Sigh…

And so it goes, I get irritated and finally will use the tried and true ” Are you hungry” to break the gopher spell so we can go home.  But there is also a lesson in his tenacity.  It is a gift to me to be in the moment. To stand still while he digs, as I watch the little gopher sneak out the other side while Steve’s head is in the other hole.  I always try and make sure the gophers get away without him seeing.  It is his nature and in his DNA so I let him  look for gophers.  He is doing his job, and he is good at it.

The gift he gives me is being in the moment, to slow down and observe, look around, notice nature and how everything is how it should be in nature.  How it has been for a millennium.  To ponder, think, reflect, and observe.  To see how nature created these millions of gophers in this field as food for the larger creatures.  To see the winged hunters flying above, perched in trees, watching for food.  To see where coyotes have dug big holes to get at the little brown furry potatoes with legs to feed their new pups and to fill hungry winter bellies now that the snow has melted.  To see how Steve is shaped perfectly for this job, with his short coat, long nose, low to ground body, snaking and bounding through the dry grass, burrs and cheat grass do not stick to him like it would to a furry dog.  How he could do this for hours.  To think about how I am part of that, how we as humans are part of that, but we forget how we are a part of that.

The other gift he gives is the laser focus of his tenacity, that lets him live and relish right here, right now.  A great lesson for me.  It brings me back down to earth.  That tenacity to stick with that thing he loves, no matter what.  So sure of what he loves.  This is a large part of my journey,  to find what I love, who I am, now that the nest is empty.

And I am so glad Steve is going on this journey with me.  So, yes, Steve, gopher….

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A shift in perspective

As part of my outer journey I am also starting a fresh inner journey as well.  Taking care of the inside as well as the outside.  Giving myself those gifts that for so long I put on the back burner in the rush of a busy daily life with work, kids, relationships, etc.  I have minimized my belongings along with freeing up my time for working on myself.  One thing I have started doing is guided meditation.  In keeping with my vow to keep costs low, I have found a wonderful resource in Tara Brach.  She has a site focused on practicing mindfulness in our daily lives at www.tarabrach.com.  Where she has many audio files of talks and guided meditations all offered for free.  It really helps to quiet my incessant monkey mind that is frankly exhausting.  Have a banana, go sit down under a tree and relax, for god’s sake!

Right now I squeeze them in when I can in the mornings while I am still working, but the plan is to do one every morning once I hit the road.  I am really curious to see how things may shift and feel after a bit.

And so it begins

A new leaf, a fork in the road, the next chapter…..an empty nest, the feeling that there is something more and time is speeding up.  This is a journey just for me.  To remember me, who I am when I am now on my own….oh and the wiener dog.  His name is Steve.  He knows who he is and what he likes, but he’s coming along for the ride anyway.  So here we go.. In 3.5 weeks we will be hitting the road with no real plan, only to begin and to see what we find.  Come with us on this great adventure.  We can’t wait to see what happens next….